I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then one day I’ll die. - John Mulaney. Here are 43 Famous And Hilarious John Mulaney Quotes.

John Mulaney Quotes

1. With the first episode [of John Mulaney Show] I tell a story that happened to me accidentally chasing a woman down the subway.- John Mulaney

2. My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.- John Mulaney

3. I have tons of jokes with moments in them over the years in stand-up that don't get a laugh but I love them so they stay.- John Mulaney

4. It's really fun to be writing and producing your own sketches. You almost have more control.- John Mulaney

5. Late at night, on the street, women will see me as a threat. That is funny, yeah! It’s kind of flattering in its own way, but at the same time, it’s weird because, like, I’m still afraid of being kidnapped.- John Mulaney

6. Having done stand-up on television and in stand-up specials for like Comedy Central, you learn quickly that for that type of performance you're playing to the camera.- John Mulaney

7. There's [John Mulaney Show] jokes that I have in stand up that I wouldn't try to put in, I would try to have someone just speak extemporaneously in the middle of a scene about an episode of "Law and Order" or something.- John Mulaney

8. Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am really grateful for.- John Mulaney

9. I quit drinking because I used to drink too much, then I would blackout, and I would ruin parties.- John Mulaney

10. My standup persona is like I'll heighten things, but I'm observing the world as it is in sort of a heightened emotional state.
An episode that is near and dear to my heart is the entire cast in one room for the night because we get bed bugs in our apartment building so we have to stay with Martin Short.- John Mulaney

11. If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter.- John Mulaney

John Mulaney Quotes

12. The best-case scenario is everything goes perfect and smooth, but we're also a new and weird show. So all my conversations were, "Hey last night didn't go perfect but we kind of know what we've got in store for everybody episode-wise.- John Mulaney

13. I like that idea that what I do might be mainstream. Might be.- John Mulaney

14. If I was at the Comedy Cellar at midnight you yelled at the back of the room. But you, for television, play it to the camera because yes you're communicating to the people at home using the studio audience that's right in front of you as a guide for that.- John Mulaney

15. In every case, I find pre-planning noble, but not always that useful in comedy. You know comedy once you're doing it.- John Mulaney

16. "The Doula" was and is a very, very special episode to me because I think it's very funny and very weird and it also is 100 percent based on my life, in that I fainted three times during Sex Ed in real life the three different years.- John Mulaney

17. I wish I could go tell 12-year-old me like I don't worry that you just fainted in front of all the girls, one day you'll be able to make this into an episode of TV.- John Mulaney

18. It was funny to be an emcee because you're so at the mercy of the club. You can show up for the weekend hoping to get the $400 - and get fired. I had to prank whoever they told me to prank.- John Mulaney

19. I also had Elliot Gould and Martin Short and Nasim Pedrad - let alone Zack Pearlman who is going to be a huge star, as is Seaton Smith - out there and I love writing for them and just sitting back and watching them be excellent. And when you are sitting across from Elliott Gould sharing a scene it just raises your game.- John Mulaney

20. I'm a very straightforward person. But that's fine for a comedian. Because a lot of times you're talking about everyone else.- John Mulaney

21. I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.- John Mulaney

22. I definitely look like a toddler. I feel comfortable and I have a lot of fun out there [John Mulaney Show]. And if I were to be extremely egotistical, I'd say I got a tiny bit better.- John Mulaney

John Mulaney Quotes

23. I've always believed that you often needless. You don't need to hear why people are friends, you don't need to hear why people are roommates, you don't need to hear why someone would help a friend to do something.- John Mulaney

24. As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don’t know, I just got quieter… With my friends, I was still an extrovert.- John Mulaney

25. It's important to remember that life is a joke and that outlook grants a lot of perspectives, but I don't think comedy should change and become political due to other things. It should just laugh at that cosmic joke that life is all the time.- John Mulaney

26. I really set out to do this traditional looking and traditional sounding multi-cam sitcom, but then make the world as elastic as an animated show could be. Make the world as surreal as we wanted it to be.- John Mulaney

27. I remember writing standup jokes without having done sets. But as soon as I did my first set, it didn't matter. Everything I thought would work didn't work. And everything I was iffy on was funny.- John Mulaney

28. Understudies don't normally get invited to openings.- John Mulaney

29. I do longer runs on things, a lot stories. I really like one-liners, I like a lot of different kinds of standup but I've always been long-winded.- John Mulaney
I've done festivals in the past where I'd be a guest, it was like, Wow, maybe someday I could play Town Hall - but that'll be a long way off. So it's very exciting.- John Mulaney

30. I was new to acting on a stage in a narrative as opposed to acting on a stage as a stand-up. And like everything else, it's just like comfort level. The first time I did stand-up I was at a place called the B3 in New York on Third and Avenue B and I not only didn't take the mic out of the stand, but I clutched the stand of the entire time.- John Mulaney

31. You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don't know what they're talking about.- John Mulaney

32. I never turn on the crowd. Sometimes, you think it's a terrible show, and then afterward, sometimes people say they really liked it. So turning on the crowd is only going to alienate the few people who might like it.- John Mulaney

33. I stopped drinking when I was 23. I kind of started when I was 13, so it was a 10-year run. But I just became a bad, annoying drunk child, so when I stopped, I'd done a lot of things I wasn't proud of.- John Mulaney

John Mulaney Quotes

34. I kind of thought, wouldn't it be funny to take a swing at being on the weird side of mainstream?- John Mulaney

35. I had a lot of fun writing things that died during dress rehearsal. Sometimes I remember the crazy ones that died even more fondly than the ones that did really well.- John Mulaney

36. I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I've always enjoyed it. There's just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.- John Mulaney

37. I like to turn on the TV and watch whatever's on. Nick Kroll does that a lot. He doesn't watch important shows. He'll just turn on a documentary on Mia Hamm and watch it for an hour. Whatever's on, we watch.- John Mulaney

38. I plan to join the 'SNL' band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to me before commercial breaks. I'll be sure to look right into camera.- John Mulaney

39. Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that's awesome.- John Mulaney

40. As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don't know, I just got quieter With my friends, I was still an extrovert.- John Mulaney

41. I played basketball for five years and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away — then they’re just pants.- John Mulaney

42. I was just trying to blend the stand up that I do almost with like the visual sketch stuff that I did on "Saturday Night Live." And so in terms of how elastic in the world is, we'll see what we can get away with.- John Mulaney

43. I don't make plans anymore. So I'm not living minute to minute.- John Mulaney

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Best of John Mulaney Quotes

You can't always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.  - John Mulaney
The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.  - John Mulaney
You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term. - John Mulaney

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