“He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard deserves to be kicked by the foot.” Here are 40 Funny Confucius Quotes That Will Cheer You Up.

Confucius Quotes

1. “Man with no legs bums around.” - Confucius

2. “Man with one chopstick go hungry.” - Confucius

3. “Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.” - Confucius

4. “He who has a sharp tongue, cuts own throat.” - Confucius

5. “A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.” - Confucius

6. “Man who walk with nose in air very easy to hook.” - Confucius

7. “Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!” - Confucius

8. “No husband ever been shot while he do dishes.” - Confucius

9. “Man who drop watch in whisky is wasting time.” - Confucius

10. “Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!” - Confucius

11. “A butler with no teeth is called an in-dentured servant.” - Confucius

12. “He who fish in other man’s well often catches crabs.” - Confucius

13. “Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands.” - Confucius

Confucius Quotes

14. “If something happen but nobody post it on Facebook, did it really happen?” - Confucius

15. “Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.” - Confucius

16. “With great power comes great electricity bill.” - Confucius

17. “Crowded elevator smell different to midget.” - Confucius

18. “Man who gives up all hope of ever having a flat stomach will abdicate.” - Confucius

19. “I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.” - Confucius

20. “Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.” - Confucius

21. “State of pregnancy exists when woman takes seriously something poked in fun.” - Confucius

22. “He who is stupid today is still stupid tomorrow.” - Confucius

23. “Steal a man’s wallet and he’ll be poor for a week. Teach hockey to his kids and he’ll be poor forever.” - Confucius

24. “He who stick head in open window get pane in neck.” - Confucius

25. “Man who give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach will abdicate.” - Confucius

26. “Don’t drink and park, accidents cause people.” - Confucius

Confucius Quotes

27. “Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.” - Confucius

28. “When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.” - Confucius

29. “He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.” - Confucius

30. “War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.” - Confucius

31. “Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.” - Confucius

32. “Support bacteria — it’s the only culture some people have.” - Confucius

33. “Everyone has a photographic memory, some people just don’t have film!” - Confucius

34. “Man who have clear conscience usually have bad memory, too.” - Confucius

35. “Give man fish, feed him for a day. Teach man to fish, man build industry, and destroy ecosystem.” - Confucius

36. “Man who read woman like book, prefer braille!” - Confucius

37. “Man who shoot off mouth must expect to lose face.” - Confucius

38. “Man who get hit by car, get that run-down feeling.” - Confucius

39. “Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.” - Confucius

Confucius Quotes

40. “Woman who absentmindedly answer the door in her nightie is negligent.” - Confucius

41. “If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.” - Confucius

42. “Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.” - Confucius

43. “Man who abuse his computer get bad bytes!” - Confucius

44. “Man who put on itchy sweater start every day from scratch.” - Confucius

45. “Man who does very little makes very few mistakes.” - Confucius

46. “Woman who come to bed wearing nothing but running shoes wants to have marathon session.” - Confucius

47. “Blind man who pees on electric fence will see the light.” - Confucius

48. “Husband who sleep on couch last night, have hard time today.” - Confucius

49. “Man who make mistake in elevator wrong on many levels.” - Confucius

50. “Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.” - Confucius

51. “Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.” - Confucius

52. “Mummys who take vacation, will relax and unwind.” - Confucius

Best of Confucius Quotes Quotes

“Man who open car door for girlfriend reveal one thing: either car is new or girlfriend is new.”
“Behind every successful man is good woman — and very surprised mother-in-law.”
“No husband ever been shot while he do dishes.”

Ian Warmer

About the author

Ian Warner has spent over 15 years building positive habits as a track athlete. He went on to become an All-American sprinter at Iowa State, and he represented Canada at the 2012 Olympics. Ian founded Habit Stacker and dedicated his life to helping people to develop winning habits.

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