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36 Ridiculously Funny Quotes

Ian Warner

4 min read

8. “I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”– Woody Allen

9. “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”– Woody Allen

Funny Quotes

10. “You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.”– Winston Churchill

11. “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”– Winston Churchill

12. “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”– Winston Churchill

13. “Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”– William James

14. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”– Will Rogers

15. “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.”– Will Rogers

16. “Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”– Will Rogers

17. “Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.”– Wilhelm II

18. “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”– Walter Matthau

Funny Quotes

19. “A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.”– Walter Bagehot

20. “We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.”– W. H. Auden

21. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”– W. C. Fields

22. “Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.”– W. C. Fields

23. “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”– W. C. Fields

24. “I hate women because they always know where things are.”– Voltaire

25. “Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.”– Voltaire

26. “I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!”– Tom Lehrer

27. “Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.”– Thomas Szasz

Funny Quotes

28. “It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.”– Thomas Sowell

29. “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”– Thomas A. Edison

30. “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”– Thomas A. Edison

31. “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”– Theodore Roosevelt

32. “The world is a globe. The farther you sail, the closer to home you are.”– Terry Pratchett

33. “When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’”– Sydney J. Harris

34. “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”– Steven Wright

35. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”– Steven Wright

36. “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”– Steven Wright

Best Funny Quotes

1.

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”– Steven Wright

2.

“It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!”– Steven Weinberg

3.

“Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.”– Steve Irwin